In regard to a previous post, a reader writes:
Ever since I got your response to my question, I was greatly troubled. Can you clarify a point for me? In the beginning of your answer, you said it would NOT be sinful to marry if the 4 conditions in canon law were met by the Catholic party. However, later on in your post, you said it would besinful to marry if the non-Catholic party did not also meet those 4 conditions. Could you clear this up for me?
(I’m determining if i have to break up with my one true love (my only chance of getting married, probably!), so please help me with this.)
Thanks for writing back. I know this is a difficult time for you as making the kind of decision you are facing is very hard emotionally.
The conditions affect your potential spouse in different ways. In particular, the three exclusionary reasons do.
1) The first exclusionary reason involves you making a firm commitment to removing all danger of your own defection from the faith *and* doing everything in your power to see that the children are raised Catholic.
The non-Catholic party is not required to make these commitments himself (he is not, as used to be the case, required to promise to raise the children Catholic, nor to become Catholic himself). But since the question was "Is it sinful to marry this gentleman?" it seems that his foreseen response to these commitments on your part is something that affects the moral character of your act.
If, for example, you reasonably foresee (or if you should reasonably foresee) that he will attempt to undermine your Catholic faith (either overtly or subtly) then are you really removing all dangers to your lapsing from the faith? It seems, instead, like you would be committing yourself to live in an environment in which your faith will be under attack (overtly or subtly) for decades and by the person with whom you are supposed to be most intimate. That sounds more like deliberately exposing oneself to the danger of defecting from the faith, which is sinful.
Similarly, there is the commitment on your part to do all that you can to see that all the children are raised Catholic. If you’re marrying an anti-Catholic, it is going to make this very hard to do. You’re asking for inter-spousal conflict by embarking on this course. If you really intend to do all in your power to raise all the kids Catholic and he has a reciprocal commitment to see that they’re raised in his faith, BLAMMO! Arguments galore.
The religious education of children is also, by natural law, a responsibility of their parents–including you–and for you to knowingly and voluntarily commit to raising your children in an anti-Catholic environment raises real questions about your handling of this responsibility. One can easily argue that sin is likely to be involved if one voluntarily commits to raising one’s children in an anti-Catholic environment.
2) The second condition is simply that the non-Catholic party has to be informed, before the marriage, of your commitments in such a way that he truly understands what you are committed to doing. This is customarily done by those involved in marriage preparation, though morally speaking you would be expected to play your part by impressing on your potential spouse the fact that you are firm in these commitments and will remain so.
3) Then there is the fact that the non-Catholic party is not to exclude the purposes or essential properties of marriage as the Church understands them.
This affects your proposed spouse directly. If he excludes the purposes or essential properties of marriage then it may be sinful to enter the union or the union itself may be invalid.
This question tends to impact Protestants on two fronts: the indissolubility of marriage and its openness to life.
Protestants typically do not hold that marriage is indissoluble. As a result, they typically believe that it is possible for one to divorce after a valid, consummated marriage between Christians and still be able to marry someone else while the first spouse lives. This is itself problematic, but does not automatically invalidate the marriage unless the property of indissolubility is excluded by an act which determines the will. (For example, if your proposed spouse were to say to himself, "I’m not getting married unless I have the right to divorce her and marry someone else if it doesn’t work out.")
When it comes to openness to life, Protestants (these days) typically do not recognize the immorality of using contraception, and the great majority use it. This is objectively sinful. While the Church acknowledges that it is possible for a Catholic spouse to have conjugal relations with a contracepting spouse under certain conditions, whether it is possible to without sin voluntarily enter a union in which one knows the other party will be contracepting is another question entirely.
Simiarly, the proposed spouse may pressure you to use contraception or may insist on using means of contraception that destroy the unitive aspect of the act (e.g., condoms). In the former case, it puts you in the proximate occasion of sin and in the latter case it causes the act itself to become sinful.
There are thus a host of different ways in which entering into marriage with an anti-Catholic Protestant could be sinful.
The reader also asks:
Would it still
be a sin to marry a Protestant, even though the Bishop allows it?
Bishops have to make the best decision they can based on the situation, and they often have less information about the situation than do the parties themselves. For this reason, and for other reasons, a bishop’s decision does not remove the responsibility of the parties themselves in determining whether they should get married.
It may well be that a bishop grants permission for a union in which one or both of the parties is sinning. Often this is done in hopes of avoiding a worse situation (e.g., the Catholic party leaving the faith immediately). A decision from the bishop thus does not mean that the parties are not sinning by marrying each other.
As hard as it is, you therefore have to make your own determination of whether it would be sinful to marry this gentleman, even if it were possible to obtain permission from the bishop. You have to look at what you know about the gentleman, what he would be likely to do or fail to do in marriage, compare it to the criteria that the Church has proposed, and make the best determination you can.
As you do this, it is certainly reasonable to consult those who may help you better discern your moral obligations. (Of course, you need to make sure that those whose counsel you seek are orthodox and not just telling you what you want to hear.)
For my part, I do not see how it would be possible to recommend that you marry an anti-Catholic. It would be one thing if he said, "I’m not Catholic, but I admire and respect the Catholic Church and think it does good in the world." It is another thing if he says (as you report he does), "I think that the Catholic Church is anti-Christ." As long as that is his view, I cannot recommend marriage to him.
I also think that you are likely underestimating your chances of finding a good Catholic man. I’ve already mentioned the possibility of using services like AveMariaSingles.Com to meet faithful Catholic men. As you mention in an e-mail I don’t quote, you’re in your twenties. You still have lots of time. And, as the saying goes, "There are lots of fish in the sea."
Often people underestimate their chances of finding someone. I’ve been guilty of this myself. Most people have at one time or another. I’d hate for you to make a life-affecting mistake just because you sold short your chances of finding a good Catholic guy.
20
FWIW, from a female perspective, I am in my early-30s and have not yet given up on finding a good Catholic man to marry and (God willing) have children with.
While the prospect of breaking up with someone you care for very much is a heartbreaking situation, one should not avoid doing so when necessary on the grounds that there is no one else out there. Trust God, petition St. Joseph’s intercession, and make whatever decisions God leads you to understand you must make in order to be faithful to him.
“For truly, I say to you, if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you” (Matt. 17:20).
Marriage is difficult enough, even among faithful people of the same faith. Pressures related to money, the house, time constraints, work difficulties, raising children, family medical problems, etc, etc, etc… I have an outstanding, faithful wife. I just can’t imagine making it without our common Catholic faith. It’s the source of strength that makes everything else possible.
Speaking as one of those other fish in the sea (twenty-something Catholic man), and as a former Evangelical Protestant, I agree that you shouldn’t give up on meeting a good Catholic guy so quickly!
I used to be biased against the Catholic Church (almost an inevitability going to Evangelical churches), though I never thought it was the anti-Christ, and reading Mark Shea’s By What Authority was very helpful to me in my journey to Catholicism. I recommend it to your boyfriend, not to convert him, but to help him see that there are VERY reasonable arguments for the Catholic faith.
It would take a leap of faith on your part to break up with your boyfriend and trust that God, in his tender love for you, would bring you an even better man to be your husband, but perhaps this is just what God is asking of you right now?
One last caution: When I was an Evangelical, I sought to convert my Catholic friends to the “real Truth” and correct their many “errors”. I would bet your boyfriend wants to do the same to you, whether he says so or not. Why wouldn’t he, if he truly thought you were going to the church of the anti-Christ?
May God graciously guide you!
Hardly on point, but, where and when would be a good place to have a discussion about Rule 20?
Don’t give up on meeting a nice Catholic guy. I met my husband when I was 32. The next month I turned 33. We married when I was 35 and he was 37. Yes, it shortened our childbearing years, but we are blessed with two wonderful daughters.
I met my husband by calling my diocese and asking what Catholic singles clubs were in the area. Turned out the diocese had its own club. My husband was in it for several years before I showed up, and he says his perserverance paid off.
Ditto what LawfulGood said. Even marriage between two committed, daily-Mass-going Catholiics can be difficult enough. I couldn’t imagine trying to get through without having a common faith to build upon. (Slightly off-topic: you’d be amazed how many stupid marital disagreements have been fixed by going to daily Mass together. There’s something about being at the foot of Calvary that makes you realize how stupid or petty the quibble was…)
Ed: E-mail is the right place to discuss Rule 20.
It would take a leap of faith on your part to break up with your boyfriend and trust that God, in his tender love for you, would bring you an even better man to be your husband, but perhaps this is just what God is asking of you right now?
The responses so far are quite reasonable, but I would be very careful about assuming that God will send someone better, and I would be even more careful about making that assumption a condition of doing the right thing. We are called to do the right thing unconditionally.
Better to be single and doing God’s will (therefore fulfilling your true purpose in life) than to be married and not doing God’s will.
Remember to keep it in perspective. Life is short.
Very sensitively answered, Jimmy.
you know, having been both married and divorced and having children in tow, I too am guilty of thinking that my future prospect of marriage is close to zero (if not sub-zero)…but…if I ever have to ask the question,
“will this man respect me and love me so much that even though his religious convictions may conflict with my own, he supports my decision to practice my faith and to raise the children to be be good, knowledgeable practicing Catholics?”
…and if I’m unsure of the answer, or am assured that it’s negative…then I’m going to know that he’s not the one for me.
I really sympathise with the reader…many of us who have loved, are very much aware of how painful and gut wrenching the affairs of the heart can be and that’s just when things are going right…but Marriage, a Sacramental Marriage…it has no get out clause (or at least, shouldn’t be begun with that philosophy)…it’s such a difficult and life changing decision to make (and yet if it’s right, it realy shouldn’t be, should it?) and in a way (and I think Jimmy should do a blog post on this) it’s one of the reasons that it’s so very important to ‘court’ and not to ‘date’..to really think long and hard about whether there is relationship potential in the very early stages of your initial interaction…to take the time to discover whether or not issues like this will arise…in a sense…so that you can halt it before you get too deep, maybe…but more, for the benefit of giving your relationship a head start from the outset, by setting it on a firm foundation…ok, i’m drifting… i’ll shut up now.
God Bless.
P.S. praying for reader and fiance.
I just read through Da Rulz again, and I see that I consistantly break rule 3 and will hereby restrain myself.
God Bless.
Try not to marry this man because you are swept away by your emotions and your history together OR because you think it’s reasonably your only chance at marriage. These are not good reasons to marry someone. I know it’s hard, though.
Marry a man who will lead you to heaven (the purpose of marriage).
Marry a man who will be a good father to your children, leading them to heaven (the purpose of parenthood).
Marry a man who you can hope to spend eternity with in heaven (of course not as spouses, as Jesus noted.)
Otherwise you may seriously regret your decision later, even if it feels now like he is your one true love.
Well written Jimmy.
I have an additional suggestion for the young lady asking these questions: make sure you talk honestly with your prospective husband about your concerns. I think it will likely be a very good indicator of his disposition and openness to the Catholic faith. If he reacts harshly, that’s a pretty good indicator of how difficult the marriage might be.
I appreciate how difficult it can be to discuss these topics with a boyfriend. I don’t want to overly lift your hopes, but it is often in the most difficult moments like this that God may have a chance to expand in the heart of your boyfriend. I can speak to this personally, as my now-wife, who was struggling with the exact same issues you are (except with an athiest who thought all Christians were naive idiots), had to refuse my proposal for marriage. It was in that moment, literally on one knee, when I saw God in my then-girlfriend, now-wife. I saw a strength in her that could only be divine in nature. It was through the grace I received in that difficult moment that I started down the path to becoming Catholic. I try to remember every day to thank God for giving my wife the strength to refuse my proposal even though we were (and are) deeply in love. It was just about the only way He could open up a crack big enough in my heart to find His way inside.
I guess this is all to say that you really should talk to him. Talk to him honestly and vulnerably and with the grace of God in your heart. Pray, and let God’s will work.
God bless. I’ll be praying for you and your boyfriend.
short post. promise.
Just stumbled upon this link and thought it might be of benefit to Catholic singles (don’t know if this is ok to post, hope so)
http://www.osv.com/periodicals/show-article.asp?pid=880
I may revise my opinion of internet dating if I continue to read articles like this 😀
God Bless.
p.s. St. Raphael, intercede for us!