A reader writes:
I was raised in a Protestant family, but I never really felt "at home" in the church in which I was raised, preferring instead the Catholic Church introduced to me by my best friend. Not until years later, however, did I finally feel ready to make the move and become an actual member of the Roman Catholic Church.
My relatives freaked out over my decision, and the years have not calmed them down. I don’t argue with them, I certainly don’t try to convert. I try, instead, to live by that little rule of St. Francis: "Preach always, and sometimes use words".
Just last week, however, I received a letter from my mother. She has always had a problem with the Catholic Church, and especially with my being part of it. Here is part of what she said: "…I do not expect to see either you or your father in Heaven, where I know there is a place now ready for me…" This letter came from her out of the clear blue sky, and I don’t know what to think about it.
I gather she subscribes to the "once saved, always saved" doctrine, and I am writing you to ask if I should try to address this with her. It greatly saddens me that she would write such a thing, but I am not sure if I should say something in return, or just let it go.
As with any situation like this, there is no unambiguously right or wrong answer. It involves a judgment call based on your knowledge of your mother and what good could be done by addressing the subject with her.
It is understandable that you would feel sad and hurt by what she said to you. Sadness and hurt are the things that this statement would typically produce (along with anger) if something like this is said to a person.
I would try to understand what your mother said from her perspective, which is likely to be that she was trying to do you good.
At least, I assume that this is what she’s trying to do. (There are
emotionally abusive parents out there who simply want to hurt their
children, but I assume that your mother is not one of these.)
She believes that a certain set of requirements must be met for salvation, and she believes that you do not meet those. It therefore pains her to think that you will not be in heaven, and she is trying to spark your conscience in a way that could lead you to re-evaluate your spiritual life and end up being saved.
I would therefore try to look past the sadness and hurt (and, if needed, anger) that your mother’s comment caused and focus on the underlying fact that she was trying to help you.
It must be admitted that, if one thinks a relative’s salvation is in jeopardy, that there are better ways to help them than saying "I don’t expect to see you in heaven." For example, "I really want to see you in heaven, and here’s what I am convinced you need to do to get there." But however inelegant her attempt to help you was, I presume that her fundamental motive was good.
And that’s important. Focusing on it can help one get past the pain and disappointment such comments can cause.
As far as how to respond, there are a large number of options, but here are some that occur to me as potentially plausible ones:
1) Talk to your mother about how what she wrote made you feel.
This one has the potential to clear some emotional air between you, but it won’t address the underlying theological problem. Do it only if you feel it would have a reasonable chance of success. Otherwise, move on to the other options.
2) Do something to educate your mother about the Catholic faith in general.
Like giving her a book or some tapes that may clear away some of the misconceptions she is likely to have that may lead her to think that Catholics aren’t saved or aren’t Christians.
3) Do something to help alleviate her concerns regarding your salvation in particular.
For this I would talk or write to her directly, rather than giving her books or tapes. I would simply assure her that you love Jesus and that you are trusting in him and his grace for your salvation. I would point out that you can’t do anything good without God’s grace, that you cannot save yourself no matter what you do, and that your salvation is entirely due to God’s grace. Tell her that you love Jesus and you know he died to save you from your sins, and that’s exactly what you are trusting him to do.
This strikes me as a response that has one of the better chances of success, but if you feel it would be too direct for your mother you might . . .
4) Simply call her and tell her how much you love her.
Don’t mention the letter. Just shower her with love and try to shine the light of Christ in her life.
Or you could . . .
5) Simply pass over the letter without taking any special action.
In this case you should just try to be a good person and a good daughter, but not go out of your way, as in the previous response.
My own instincts would be to do something like #3, possibly in combination with some of the other options, but I don’t know your mom. I don’t know how she would respond to any of these. You know her and how she responds far better than I do, so you are in a better position than I to decide what the appropriate course of action is.
As with many interpersonal situations, there is no single obvious answer, and when confronted with an ambiguous situation, you just have to make the best choice you can and entrust the results to God.
Doing the best you can and then stepping out in faith this way honors him, and he will bless you for it.
I hope this helps, and I encourage my readers to pray for your situation!
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